matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
