What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
