I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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