Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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