Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
