ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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