Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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