you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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