maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
