I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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