He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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