i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
