Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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