i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
