so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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