theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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