well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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