just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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