You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
