Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
