So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
