But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
