Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
