just tell him i said nine months
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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