I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
