I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
