My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
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shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
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is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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