I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
