Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
