im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
