Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
