The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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