i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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