Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
