Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
