ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
