Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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