new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
