dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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