We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
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It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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