ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She is in my trunk
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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