Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
