Have you finally orgasmed yet?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He did a backflip because drugs
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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