I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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