I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
