Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
