im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
