She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
