I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
