Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
