At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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