hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
