I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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