I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
