Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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