so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
