dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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