i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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