i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
