I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She is in my trunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Someone shattered a urinal.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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