We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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