I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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